The Cynical Years

This year I will be “celebrating” my 39th birthday. In truth, I won’t be celebrating it - it’s just going to happen. There probably won’t be much of a celebration either. What will probably happen is that my wife will make me a cake and I’ll choose what kind of meal I want to eat. Regardless, as I’m nearing the end of my thirties, I’ve been looking back on my life a bit more. While my worldview hasn’t changed much, my outlook on life has gone through several transformations. I think you could divide each of these transformations according to the decade of my life.

(Birth-10 Years of Age) - Carefree Years

I was carefree, but ready to take on the world.

Very little concerned me at this time (especially in light of how am I now). My main worries were play, not going to bed early, and school (which I hated). But you didn’t worry about these things as a whole. When they came, you fought against them, cried because of them, and generally hated them. In all, however, you didn’t spend hours and hours worrying about them until you faced them.

 You looked forward to vacations, visiting cousins, weekends, etc… Generally, all the good things in life. During these years, you didn’t spend time thinking about how things were - they just were. The world was the way the world was.

It snowed in the winter, rained in the spring, shined in the summer, and fell in the fall. ​

It snowed in the winter, rained in the spring, shined in the summer, and fell in the fall. That’s just how it was. You didn’t think about institutions, politics, injustice (unless it concerned your siblings), and all the other “grown-up” things. No. You were kid! That’s all that mattered.

(11-19 Years of Age) - Idealistic Years

As I got older, my view of life began to change and broaden. I began to see politics, religion, and many other institutions in a new light. I noticed how things in life were not fair or just, but as a late teenager, I had the belief that these things could change where they needed change. All you had to do was expose the wrongs and work toward the change. Simple, right? 

If you told me “no” during these years, I probably wouldn’t have listened to you. I had my ideas and I could revolutionize things. I could change whatever I wanted to change. All I needed was to finish school, and then the world was mine.

(20-29 Years of Age) - Hopeful Years

During my twenties, I graduated college and graduate school. Promises of jobs and “success” were within my grasp. I had been told in high school that all you needed was a degree and you could pretty much get a job doing whatever it was you wanted or needed. Well, something happened while I was in school - the world changed, and it wasn’t because of my idealistic years. 

Young and hopeful

That, however, didn’t matter. I was hopeful. I had the belief that talent and education would get you what you needed.

I didn't keep this look for long. It lasted about 2 1/2 minutes.

 Unfortunately, that was not the case. In fact, that probably was never the case. What I needed was connections - something I never had. Still, I remained hopeful. I remember going out on dates with my wife and we would discuss our future, our dreams. We would wonder what sort of things life had for us. After all, we were two fairly intelligent people with graduate level degrees. I was a quick learner. If I didn’t know it, I could learn it. After all, isn’t that what college teaches you? How to learn quickly?

​(30-39 Years of Age) - Cynical Years

Me being cynical.

Well, as my twenties slipped by, and I woke up into my thirties, I finally understood something about myself and the world. The first thirty years of my life were filled with many lies, half-truths, and misunderstandings. The realization of how life really was left me jaded and cynical. Trust? Who was I to trust? Everyone was out for themselves. Despite John Donne’s assertion that “no man is an island,” and how badly I wanted to believe that, I had come to the belief that, for the most part, you are an island (at least in the practical things of life). You are “alone.” That is just the way it is. You have your spouse (hopefully) and maybe your extended family - sometimes you don’t. Perhaps you have a few friends. But let’s face it, they have their own family.

So, what other person can you rely on?
​
Now, I know some of you reading this may think it sounds depressing. Well, I will remind you that these are my cynical years, so I can understand that sentiment.  It is during these years, you finally realize that life isn’t the way you had hoped or thought it would be. Some people discover this earlier, some people later. Some people may never go through cynicism because their life may have turned out exactly the way they wanted it to. I don’t know. That is up to them to express.

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(40+)

Perhaps as I enter my forties this will change. A new outlook on life will take over, and the cynical years will be a blip. Perhaps, not. Who’s to say?

Right now, my main focus is acceptance and contentment. As a Christian, I must be content with wherever I am. And if you’re not a Christian, contentment is still a good thing to strive for. I must also accept where I am and not let my cynical years turn into bitter years. How can one do this?

Be thankful.

Be thankful for what you have and don’t concentrate on what you don’t have. Therein, however, lies the true struggle. Hopefully, as I close out on one decade and embark on another, it will become known to me as the Grateful Years.